Unit Testing | Club Kafka

Trust, Verification, and Tender Paranoia

You wrote a method. You say it works. You believe in it.

But belief isn’t enough.

“If you love something… test it.”

Because trust isn’t blind. It’s structured suspicion.
And Unit Testing is how we express doubt — intimately.

You don’t scream at your code. You whisper assertions to it.

assertEquals("expected", actual);

You’re not angry. You’re… concerned.
You just want to know what it really returns when no one’s watching.

Sometimes, you can’t test everything directly. So you mock dependencies.

You create replicas, shaped just right, trained to respond how you want.

when(service.fetchData()).thenReturn("yes, darling");

It’s not deceit. It’s roleplay.
It’s “act like you love me, even if you’re not the real one.”

You don’t just care what happened.
You care how many times.
With what parameters.
In what order.

verify(service, times(2)).touchSensitiveData(eq("token"));

Because love is not just about the result — It’s about the interaction history.

You thought it was working. You were proud.

Then you ran the suite and… one line, in red.

The test failed. It didn’t throw an error — it threw doubt.

You curl into the logs, looking for clues like a jilted lover:

“Why did you return null? I gave you everything.”

You measure it. Not to shame. But to understand.

72% coverage. 85% coverage. 100% coverage.

But even 100% doesn’t mean complete trust.

It just means you touched every part. Not that you understood it.

Test-Driven Development is kink with choreography.

You write the test before the function exists.

You say:

“I want you to behave like this.”

And only then do you create the method — sculpted to pass.

That’s not testing. That’s commanded compliance.

And when the test turns green, you know:

“Yes. You did exactly what I asked for. You beautiful little method.”

You don’t write tests to break code.
You write them to care for it.
To observe its boundaries.
To challenge its promises with affection.

Because real love isn’t trust without proof.
It’s proof… with just enough mistrust to keep things interesting.